The video...

Here it is, as promised. This is a video of us spreading Tyler's ashes at Boynton Canyon in Sedona, Arizona. Martine spent a good chunk of time putting it together and I think it's just beautiful. Makes me cry every time I see it. I picked the Patty Griffin song "Up To The Mountain" because it seemed like it would be a good fit...and it is.

I love you, Tyler.

Grief and missing

This was the view out the car window as we were driving down to Indianapolis from Chicago last Thursday evening. The sunset was quite beautiful and it made me think of Tyler. The last time I had been in Indy was November of last year. I had some weird emotional things going on during this trip which I now attribute mostly to sideways grief. I was focused on the shows I would be playing with Martine in Fort Wayne and Indianapolis, so the events of my previous visit were only milling around in the back of my mind. Being back in the city where I had watched Tyler die was difficult. I suppose I should have expected that. It probably would have been smart to address the grief and process it a little while I was there. Now it's kind of coming out in spurts.

Today I removed Tyler from the beneficiary list on my IRA. He was the primary beneficiary and I had forgotten about it. As I pressed the backspace key, removing one letter at a time, I felt the grief well up again. I still want to scream out to the universe, "what the hell happened?!?!??" I wonder if that will ever go away.

We will be spending a lot more time in Indy over the next few months. I need to find a way to get in touch with the grief I now associate with that place and face it. I don't want it coming out sideways. My life is about to change drastically again and I'm really excited about it!!! I know Tyler would be excited for me. I miss not being able to tell him things, face-to-face.

Random thoughts of grief and missing on this first day of April.