He's everywhere

I have a matted, framed photo of Tyler that I wanted to put up in the van somewhere. There just wasn't an easy way to do that with it in the heavy frame, so I had to take it out. Doing that made me cry. Before we pulled out of the driveway on Saturday, I used velcro tabs to stick the photo to the ceiling of the van. I want to be able to look up and see him at any moment...to know he's there with us on the road. I know he's always in my heart, but I always stumble across little reminders too. This photo was taken at the world famous (ha ha...as if) Fort Cody Trading Post in North Butte, Nebraska. This was the highlight of the store for me. Well, maybe it was the miniature old west show...ummm, no.

I had a dream about him the other night too. I thought about posting the details here, but I've decided to keep them to myself. The jist was that he was injured and I was taking him to the hospital to get him fixed. In the dream, he seemed fine and there seemed to be no rush to get him there. When I woke up, I had a moment of panic and I thought 'if only I would have hurried and got him there faster...'

It was very strange.

I miss him...even though he's everywhere.

Fading in...

Time allows for distraction and distraction is good...I think. I haven't spent as much time dwelling on the loss of Tyler. I haven't really had the brain space lately. Sometimes I think that's a good thing, but the grief still creeps in when I least expect it. The other morning I awoke abruptly because I had an image of Tyler in the hospital the night he died. The image started as just white space and slowly sharpened into full color. I want to say it "faded" in, but the word fade usually implies leaving or dissipating, like that night in the hospital when Tyler faded away from us. I watched his face go from red to pink to blue to white. That's the image I saw on that recent morning as I was just barely on the edge of consciousness. It startled me awake and I sat up. The feeling was that of shock and disbelief. I still have many moments when I can't believe he's really gone. It can't be...it just can't be. I cried on and off all day. I just couldn't shake the cloak of grief that was draped over my shoulders. It's always there; sometimes it hangs in the closet, waiting for me to wear it again.