This is a picture of the site where we spread Tyler's ashes. My dad dubbed it "Ty's Monument," so I thought it was a good choice for this post. It has been a very long time since I put my thoughts down in this blog. That doesn't mean that I've stopped thinking about him. It doesn't mean that I've stopped missing him. He is always with me and that will never change. On October 20th, three years ago, Tyler had surgery to remove the tumor that was growing up into his brain and down his spine. We were all scared, but we were hopeful that he would come out of it just fine. We all know how the story ends and there's a place in my heart that is forever broken. The scar left behind is a living, breathing entity with a memory of its own.
I was completely blindsided a couple of days ago by grief over the loss of Tyler. Not that I haven't experienced moments of it here and there; I definitely have, but this experience was so powerful it took my breath. It took me back to the night I talked to him on the phone about a week before his surgery and he was reassuring me that he was going to be fine. He was positive and upbeat about it, and he was taking care of me. I still don't know to this day how scared he really was because he didn't say. He was being the strong one, as usual. I had cried so much that day, and so deeply, that I hardly recognized myself. The thought of losing him had touched me in a place that had never been touched. I spent a lot of time in that place three years ago, and I stumbled upon it again earlier this week. Although he's never far from my thoughts, I wasn't actively thinking about him at the time. I mentioned this blog to a friend when she was asking about reading some of my writing, and that was all it took. I found that deep place again. I didn't understand how I got there so quickly, so suddenly. I've been able to talk about him and this blog many times over the last three years without going there, so how was this time any different? I've come to realize that the scar left on my heart, on my soul, has its own memory. My conscious mind was unaware of the date and its significance, but the scar reminded me. I'm still amazed by that.
Now that I've been reminded, I'm riding out the wave, feeling the pain of loss again in that deep place. It's unpleasant to say the least, but I hope it's also healing in some way. I came back to this blog because writing it always helped me. It's like a therapy session only without the hefty bill. It's all part of the process that will be life-long, possibly longer...
I love you, Tyler, and I miss you so much.
