The Energy of Grief

I love this photo. We have a 5x7 of it up on the new 'photo wall' in the apartment. I look at it every day and think about what a beautiful man he was, inside and out. Neicco, the beagle, is pretty cute too. He doesn't seem to mind being used as a pillow. What a good dog.

Tonight we went to see "Australia" with my dad, Ginny, Jane and Sharon. It was a good movie. A little 'cheesy' at times, but a little cheese can be good for a laugh or a chin quiver. Afterward we went for a post-movie margarita and then to dinner at a Thai restaurant. We had a good time, but I became aware of something over the course of the night. Since Tyler passed away, when I'm around my dad or my mom, the void Tyler left behind feels even bigger. I didn't think that was possible, but it's true. I don't know if it's the sadness I see in my dad's eyes, the devastation I hear in my mom's voice, or something to do with the combining of our individual grief energy when I interact with either one of them. Of course I still want to spend time with them; I think it's very important that we support each other through the grieving. I love them and my step-parents very much. My realization in no way means that I don't want to be around them. It's just something I observed, or felt, or...experienced. Maybe it's just me being more aware of my grief in the presence of my parents. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that.

I miss you more every day, Ty. I know our parents (all four of them) do too. Each of us is floundering around, trying to cope with losing you. Writing this blog is part of my process. The other parts? Who knows. I'm making those up as I go along. It has been a month since you left us and it still hurts like hell. If you have any brotherly advice for me, send it along. I'll be listening...