The engraving on this ornament is a little hard to read, but most of you can probably make it out. For those who can't, I know a good Optometrist...just kidding, of course. It reads "Tyler 2001." I had been playing with the settings on my camera phone and took this photo at some point during my experimentation. Someone said to me that it looks like it's all washed in gold, or something to that effect. I can't remember the exact words, but what a great description. We decorated the Christmas tree at my dad and Ginny's house on Saturday night. At one point I left the room to answer the call of nature and when I returned, my dad was holding this ornament. He wanted me to hang it on the tree. I remember handing the same ornament to Tyler last year and then we each put our own 2001 engraved ornament on the tree. This year I had to hang them both. The sadness is often overwhelming and this was one of those moments when it literally took my breath.
My emotions were all over the map this weekend. Last night it came to a head when I behaved like an ass to someone I love deeply. It was a moment, yes, and we all have moments of shitheadedness, but that is still no excuse. I know some of my past experiences have influenced the way I react to things in the present. I think that's inevitable. We are made up of a fabric, woven from our experiences. However, some of that is old, ugly stuff that we should never wear again. Stuff that needs to be left behind at some random airport or dropped off at the nearest Good Will. I only want to carry forward the important lessons and the growth...the things that fit well and look good on me. At this point in my life I am more aware than ever when I'm being influenced by something that doesn't belong. I see that as progress and positive growth. I do wonder how much my grief over Tyler is an influence on my interactions with the people around me. Losing him has shaken me to my core. I will never be the same and I will never fully stop grieving, but I want to be a better person. I don't want to be an icky, bitter person. Tyler wouldn't want that for me either.
I miss you, Tyler. There were many times when you helped me find my way back to the right path. I need you to keep doing that. Just smack me in the back of the head or something, would ya? Love you always...
3 comments:
I am so proud of you...of who you are, of your honesty, of your desire to grow and move and to be the best version of you that you can possibly be. I beam with pride....and with love..and with honor for the journey you are on...that I can be a part of it, to witness it, to love you through it and to be loved by you through it, to grow together and separately because of it.
I didn't know Tyler very well. I know him mostly through the stories of others, moments in facebook and for the one week I spent hanging out with him before his surgery. And I will forever be sad about that.
But I know without a doubt...that he was, is, would be and will be crazy proud of you too. This is a shitty journey for anyone to have to take...but you do it with grace and love and honor.
You are amazing...and I am wonderfully in love with you.
Wow...truly amazing. Inspiring, both of you!
i really dig your honesty and how you put it all out there. blessed to be a witness to your lives.
i must remember to add some of what i would like to leave behind into my Good Will bags. thanks
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