Spilling over and crashing down

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I'm going to talk about grief again. Consider yourself warned. Stop reading now if you must........I'll wait while you close your browser......

I haven't been crying as much lately. I had been deliberately thinking about Tyler and making myself cry, but I've stopped doing that. Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's all the distractions that happen during the holidays. Who knows? Since then I've noticed that the grief keeps welling up. It's right there, just under the surface. The slightest brush against my skin causes it to spill out all over me and potentially crash into everything around me. It doesn't take much to trigger it. I guess that means I need to be more conscious about actively grieving. I just wish I knew how to do that. Is the conscious pushing out better than the eventual building and overflow? I don't have the answers.

I finally came out of my avoidance mode regarding the impending gift-giving season and did some shopping yesterday. I guess somewhere in my mind I'm thinking if I ignore Christmas, maybe it won't come and maybe the missing won't be so present. I sat with Martine today and made Christmas cards. Again, the fact that he won't be there this year weighed heavily on my mind. Let me tell you, it takes the cheer right out of my 'ho, ho, ho.' (Sorry; I felt the need to inject a little humor in there. Tyler would have appreciated it.) I'm drinking coffee mixed with egg nog right now, trying to get into holiday mode. There's something missing though. Hmmm...maybe it needs a shot of rum or bourbon. Some spirits to bring out my holiday spirit. ;-)

I digress. Many people have told me I should continue to talk to Tyler. Some have lost loved ones and some just believe that life energy is still present in some form after the physical presence is gone. It's hard to know what is the truth. I think it's probably different for everyone. The blanket truth is black & white. In other words, there are things that are either fact or fiction. People can try to deny this kind of truth, but the fact remains. Then there's the truth we all find for ourselves in our individual journeys through life. I think each of us will continue to learn that truth until death...and maybe beyond. Part of my truth is believing that if and when I feel like talking to Tyler, he will somehow hear me. Maybe that's silly and maybe it's not. It's my choice, my truth.