Surreal...

This picture was taken in Edmonton Alberta this past August. Ty and I had driven through this neighborhood because we got a little lost driving from our grandmother's new apartment to her house. As we're coming around this bend in the road, we noticed the view and decided to pull over and take some photos. We had a good time taking pictures of each other and evaluating whether they were worthy of anyone else's scrutiny. The clouds were surreal and they looked even more surreal against the downtown Edmonton skyline. You know that feeling you get when something seems surreal?

Watching the life leave Tyler's body was the most surreal experience of my life. The grieving that goes along with losing him is also a very surreal experience. I'm still trying to figure out how to go about it. This isn't the first time I've lost someone in my family. Aside from Tyler, three people I cared about died this year. I've also lost a couple of uncles and a grandfather. I know crying is good and I've been doing a lot of that. I have shed tears for all those losses and occasionally still do, but this feels different. I'm still having trouble accepting the fact that Tyler is gone. This morning, sitting in Chicago's Midway airport, I looked up and saw some guy waiting in line to board his flight. Something about him reminded me so much of Tyler that I actually had an 'oh, there he is!' moment. Then that moment turned to a sick feeling in my stomach when I realized the man I saw couldn't possibly be Tyler because Tyler is...dead. I actually felt dizzy for a second and I thought I might be sick. I have so many moments when I feel like I don't know what to do with my emotions. I don't know where to put them. Martine's friend, Jemma, emailed me and suggested I get a book called "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I plan to pick up a copy this week. I'm not sure if it will help, but it has helped other people and I'm willing to try just about anything. Thanks, Jemma, for reaching out. Someone else recently said to me, "Tyler would not want you to be in so much pain." I know, I know...you're right.