Time allows for distraction and distraction is good...I think. I haven't spent as much time dwelling on the loss of Tyler. I haven't really had the brain space lately. Sometimes I think that's a good thing, but the grief still creeps in when I least expect it. The other morning I awoke abruptly because I had an image of Tyler in the hospital the night he died. The image started as just white space and slowly sharpened into full color. I want to say it "faded" in, but the word fade usually implies leaving or dissipating, like that night in the hospital when Tyler faded away from us. I watched his face go from red to pink to blue to white. That's the image I saw on that recent morning as I was just barely on the edge of consciousness. It startled me awake and I sat up. The feeling was that of shock and disbelief. I still have many moments when I can't believe he's really gone. It can't be...it just can't be. I cried on and off all day. I just couldn't shake the cloak of grief that was draped over my shoulders. It's always there; sometimes it hangs in the closet, waiting for me to wear it again.
2 comments:
sending love and light your way. i find when i am in a new transition those who i leaned into and are now gone are missed more.
As i read your fading in... what came to me is the process of seeing a star in the night. I can not see stars during the day. If i connect with the sky, as my day ends and the sun sets... it goes from red, pink, purple ...to white.
i also thought of black and white photography and the lens being open too much causes too much white. For me... i use my feeling of white and black to connect with balance. If i am feeling too much of one or the other i work on the stops to bring me more in balance.
peace n breathe to you my friend! hugs n heart ~
love
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