I can't believe my last post to this blog was in January...and now it's June. It just goes to show that life continues, even after someone really close passes away. I know that's what he would want too. This picture was taken by my dad. He called it "Tyler's Monument." It's a rock that was near where we spread Tyler's ashes.
We were driving home from Michigan a couple of weeks ago and I was thinking while I was driving. I saw some over-the-top religious symbol on the side of the road. I think it was a gigantic cross. It made me think of the movie "Religulious" by Bill Maher. It's a satire on the hypocrisy of Christianity and it's hilarious!!! As I was thinking about it, I remembered that it was Tyler who told me to go see it. I had another one of those 'I can't believe he's gone' or 'I can't believe he'll never call me up again' or 'he was my baby brother and he wasn't supposed to leave before me' moments and the flood gates opened. It reminded me that grief is an infinite well. If I were to drop a coin in this well and listen for the clink when it hits the bottom, I would be listening forever...waiting for that final sound. When I'm not consciously visiting the well, it's still there and it's still bottomless. It's as deep as the hole left in my soul by his absence. I think about him every day in some way or another. Even as I write this, I have to fight back the rising tide of grief. The moments of complete breakdown may be fewer and farther between, but they are just as strong as the day he left us. There is no end to the infinite well of sadness, but I suppose I am in control of how often I visit it. Sometimes I'm taken to that place without warning and sometimes I go there to take a dip.
I guess it's all part of the journey. The journey that has no destination.
4 comments:
I purposely didn't immediately post pictures of my "ordeal" because I was too involved with grief of those who didn't have the same outcome. I miss Tyler, more so now because I came through surgery the way I did. It is not right that he is not recovered and hanging out with his sister, moving through life doing his "Tyler" thing. I hate that for you, D - I really hate that. I hope I can be a positive survivor, and make every moment count. It is infinitely apparent to me how fortunate I really am.
-Nics
spirit is with you always. if there was ever a way to show you that he is with you more now than ever i think he would do it. i love your description of the well. no one tells us of the bottomless well we find it on our own.
love and light to you now, and always.
I miss your posts! Much love!
Thanks, Tracy. I just re-read this post and opened the flood gates once again. It's always there, just under the surface... Much love to you!
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