The closer I get to the anniversary of his death, the faster the waves of grief are coming. It has been almost a year since I stood by his bedside and watched the life leave his body...and I still can't believe he's gone. I keep expecting to plan the next time we meet for lunch or schedule the next dinner with the folks and it's never going to happen. The finality of that reality is staggering. I had one of those moments last night when I forgot for just a second that I couldn't call him and chat. I had some exciting news to share and I wanted to tell him. It felt like a punch in the stomach when I realized, again...not going to happen.
I'm so angry again, angry about the senseless way he died. It wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be ok. We all believed that...especially Tyler.
Tomorrow is my birthday. It's my 40th. Last year Tyler gave me a birthday card the morning he went into the hospital for surgery. He was even able to mouth "happy birthday" to me on my birthday, four days after the surgery. It's amazing to me (in the worst sense of the word) that I won't get that card this year. Both of my parents expressed the same grief on their birthdays this year. Of course I understood it at the time, but I really get it now.
I miss you so very much, Ty...I can't even put it into words. There are no words. I love you.
2 comments:
No, it wasn't supposed to be this way! Thank you for continuing to post. Your blog is the only place I have to go to be with his memory! Love this pic! What a great photographer! Peace and love,Tracy
I know many check this blog often, and I thank you for continuing to post. Doesn't seem like a year is only a day away. Tyler was such an amazing soul - never cruel. My parents are lighting a 24-hour candle tomorrow for him tomorrow. He will never be forgotten, even by those who never knew him. He would be so proud of you right now!!
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