It was a year ago yesterday that I got the call from my mother telling me that Tyler was in the hospital. She said he had collapsed at work and had some sort of seizure. The MRI taken after that episode showed that he had a brain tumor at the base of his brain. Anyone reading this blog knows the rest of the story. I still can't believe how it ended. I went out with a co-worker/friend after work that night and we drank...we toasted to Tyler. On my way home I broke down like I never had before in my entire life. It was a primal wailing I had never experienced. I remember calling Martine at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning (she was in Chicago at the time) and crying to her over a crackling cell phone connection. In some ways I think I knew that night that it was going to end badly. I don't know how I knew; it was just a feeling I had deep in my soul. I spoke with Tyler the next day and he tried to reassure me that it would all be ok. It helped a little at the time.
The chill in the air, the leaves changing color and falling to the ground, the signs of Fall, they all remind me of that time we spent here last year. We came into Indy the first time to spend a week with Tyler before his surgery. I am very grateful for that week. I only wish I had spent more of it with him. I'm glad he got to meet the woman I'm going to marry. I only wish he could be there to witness it...to stand up with me.
The photo on this post is from March of this year. We took a trip to Sedona, Arizona to spread Tyler's ashes. That's exactly what I'm doing in this picture. It took close to an hour for me to actually open the container and release him into the wind. For a long time I just stood there, holding the container close to me. I think we all expected to feel a sense of closure after that experience, but I didn't. It was another part of the elusive grieving process, but I'm not sure I will ever find closure in this loss.
Losing Tyler will be weighing heavily on my mind over the next couple of week, as the first anniversary of his death approaches. I still can't believe he's gone...
I miss you, baby brother.
1 comment:
I want to go back in time, I want to erase events... I feel so much sadness knowing that this tragedy is still real. I am frustrated that life goes on while broken hearts are frozen in time. When measuring my own pain I am sobered at the notion that so many are more devastated. I wish my mutual grief helped you all somehow. Know that I pray for and send love to you all. Especially Kathy and Dionne. Love, Tracy
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