This picture was taken in October of 2006. A group of us went to The Melting Pot for my birthday dinner. I moved out of Indy less than a month later and I haven't spent much time looking back. I miss some things about it. Now I miss the time I could have had with Tyler if I hadn't moved away, but it was a good move for me. I always thought there would be more time. We went to The Melting Pot again for my birthday this year. We were in Indy for Tyler's surgery. The mood wasn't as celebratory as it had been two years prior, but that night we still had hope. That day Tyler had mouthed 'Happy Birthday' and 'I love you' to me from his ICU bed. None of us had any idea of what was to come...
Martine and I were watching Oprah today. I was sort of watching as I did other things around the apartment. I was listening to the story of a couple who had lost one of their sons in a tragic accident. He was only 20 and he was only thirty minutes from the airport when it happened. He was supposed to board a plane that would take him home and he never made it. Instantly I felt for them. I would have felt for them had I heard their story a year ago, but today I felt it on a whole new level. I was listening to them talk about how the experience of losing their son had changed them forever. The mother said something that really struck me. She said your grief over the loss of a loved one is a testament to how much you loved that person. It will always be with you should be worn like a badge. I could relate to everything they said and, in a way, it felt good. I have a great support system, but some days I feel alone in my grief. Listening to them reminded me that I am no alone.
I also got an email from my mom today. It made me sad for her and what she is going through. I've talked before about how my grief is different from that of my parents, but it's also the same in many ways. We all loved Tyler very much and he loved all of us with a fierce love. We all need to know that and burn it into our memories, so it is always with us. No doubts and no regrets.
Grief is a living, breathing entity. It is always moving and evolving. The one thing that remains constant is its presence. It may lessen with time, but it will always be there.
3 comments:
I love the redecorating you did! It looks very nice!
I have only heard fierce and love used together once before. It was about 5 years ago and I instantly thought of your brother. I don't think we get too many of the truly fierce ones. The fact that the depth of ones grief mimics the depth of the love seems so true, and so telling...it is
I am grateful for your sharing. Thank you.
Ten minutes, ten months, ten years later - it's still there... if you're lucky! When I grieve now, ten years later, I feel blessed to be able to still feel it! No doubt you'll hold him tightly for the rest of your life!
Didi- I always read your comments and cry, as they describe my feelings exactly. Although I know it is different being his mother than his sister. My very first memory of Tyler is when he was in the womb, and kicking me very hard in my stomach. Then I remember holding him in my arms right after he was born in the hospital, and then walking down to the nursery with family, and there he was, holding up his head which no other baby could do. He was a 10 month baby, and when he decided to come, it only took 2 hours of labor from start to finish! That was a precursor to his life, always so present and so intelligent. I loved him more than life itself, as I love you. I hope he knew that, and I want to make sure that you do also. Mom
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