Dear Tyler,
I never imagined that grieving the loss of you would be so complex, but then again...I never imagined that I would lose you. I still have trouble believing it really happened and I'll never understand why. I can only think that maybe you were meant for bigger and better things in some alternate existence. Is that true?
So, I acted a fool again last night and I am ashamed. I apologized to everyone who was in range when my meltdown occurred, multiple times to the one who matters most, but I don't really feel better about it. I've been told by many people today not to beat myself up and to go easy on myself. Of course no one is harder on me than I am. We're always our own worst critic, right? I know you were a witness to that many times and you talked me down many times. I wish I could talk to you now. I guess I am talking to you, but I wish I could hear you talk back. I want you to tell me I am strong and I will get through this. I want you to say quit acting a fool, fool!! I'm laughing now because I can hear you quoting Eddie Murphy..."Yeah, Foo, retire!" Damn, we could rattle off movie quotes for days, couldn't we? I digress. I've been introspective all day, trying to figure myself out. Remember Thanksgiving 2007 when you made me promise you I would find a counselor when I got back to California? Thank you for doing that. It did help. I think I may need to do it again for a while. What do you think? Waiting...take your time...I know; I probably don't even need to ask. I just need to do it.
So, what is that you just said? Oh...you can't believe I put this picture up?! I know, it screams 80s, but it also shows how much we care about each other. That's what I like about it. I know you can't believe you were wearing that sweater. Will you look at mine?!?! What's up with the sleeveless sweatshirt look? I just need to pull it down off one shoulder. "She's a Maniac, Manic..." I digress again.
Thanks for listening, Ty. I've been told by many people that I should talk to you. I'm not sure if I've figured out how to do that yet, but this is a start. You were my knight in shining armor on many occasions. Thank you for always looking out for me. I miss you and I love you.
Always,
D
1 comment:
D,
Beautiful words as always. I think he was meant for bigger and better things. Actually, my mother said something of the same after her intentional shock of disbelief wore off. That's how I made it through the first couple of weeks after finding out the news (the belief he was meant for something more). Now I am just selfish and miss him terribly. I feel your pain.....I have freaked several times and am so very angry. I pray for you and am so very proud of you, as I know he is overflowing with pride for you. You are a strong woman for just putting yourself completely out there and creating a place where everyone can see how you express yourself...not just anyone can do that but you have and continue to do so. I know it's easier said than done but try to give yourself a break....it's not your fault....you didn't know this was going to happen....how could anyone....forgive yourself for the guilt you have......He hasn't left you. He never will. Breathe
Peace and Love
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