This is Tyler at 15 months, according to the scrawl at the top of the photo. So beautiful. By the time he was this age, I think I was over the issue I had when he was first born. Those of you who have younger siblings may already know what I'm talking about. It's the feeling that you have to compete for your parents' affections and attention. You glare at your younger, seemingly cuter, sibling, with tiny daggers when your parents aren't looking. Obviously I got through that phase. My baby brother became one of the most important people in my world. He still is...even though he is now gone from my physical world.
The waves of grief have been coming more frequently over the past few days. I have images of him jumping into my head without warning. There's no trigger; they just appear like a flash of lightning. Some make me laugh, some make me smile, some make me sick to my stomach, but they all make me cry. Last night on my way home from work, I got an image of him, of his face, the way it looked the moment he died. I don't know why it came to me. Though his pallor was beyond white, he looked at peace, much like he does in this photo. I cried as I drove and I started talking to him, out loud. I think that was the first time I've done that since he passed away. I was telling him about how people keep telling me to talk to him, but that I hadn't quite figured out how to do that... Then I realized I was doing it and I had to chuckle in spite of myself.
I miss him.
2 comments:
He's precious. A suggestion for you, the book Heaven and Earth by James Van Praagh. A friend gave me the audio and I am still listening to it. Just keep an open mind and the rest will follow.
The photos of you as children is so touching Dionne...brings back my first memories of the Dionne and Tyler I grew to love. Chokes me up seeing you together...so young, sigh.
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