Today is hard. Each day since Tyler's surgery has been hard. Of course some have been better than others, but overall they are just hard. Last night I became aware of a hodge podge of emotions swirling around in me. Picture the agitation motion of a washing machine or maybe an F5 tornado. The tornado is a more appropriate analogy right now because of its destructive force. I feel like my insides are being destroyed by my emotions. It's my goal to take that down a notch (or two...or seven) to the washing machine analogy, to be washed clean by my emotions, but I know it will take a lot of time to get there. It's going to take work too and some days I just don't feel up for it. Today is one of those days. I'm angry, sad, heart-broken, un-motivated... I'm a smaller version of myself, a shadow. I miss him. I miss the long talks, the playful jests, quoting movie lines, talking to each other in that little voice that drove mom crazy, sharing words of encouragement, sharing pride in each other's accomplishments, and the silent comradery. I miss knowing that he was just a phone call or a text message away. The void I feel is immeasureable.
1 comment:
That is a fantastic picture. It must be so hard from moment to moment at times. In those times the only thing you can do is breathe.
My father passed in 2001 and this does not compare to your loss. He use to say to me "no one will ever love you more" whether i believed it at the time or not when he was gone it became a huge void. At times that randomly hits me like a ton of bricks and if it takes me over i talk out loud to his spirit. Well it depend on where you are and if you can talk out loud.
I am certain Tyler wants you to be ok .... he lives on in your smile and your heart.
Sending you lots of peace n hugs.
xKC
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