Back to life

I'm sitting here, back in Glendale, trying to decide whether to keep this blog going...at least for a while. We landed at LAX yesterday, weary from the flight and sad from the experience of saying farewell to Tyler. I carried his ashes in my carry-on bag, along with the death certificate...and I still can't believe it's real. I keep expecting to get a text message, an email or a phone call from him. I have moments when I realize that will never happen again and it hits me hard in the pit of my soul. Then I get angry. How can this be? How did this happen? He was so young and alive.

The picture on this post was taken in the backseat of my grandmother's car in August of this year. My mom, Ty and I had made a trip to Edmonton to help my grandma get organized for her big move. She was leaving the house she lived in for 50+ years to move into a senior apartment building and she wasn't happy about it. She said having us there for those few days helped her tremendously. Looking back on it, I realize it helped all of us. It felt really good to lead my grandma around on my arm and chat with her as we walked. It feels even better now because of the quality time I spent with Tyler while we were there. I remember being so excited about the trip because I missed him so much. I missed my mom and grandma too, but it's not quite the same kind of missing. Tyler and I had a one-of-a-kind relationship. I've said this before, but it is worth repeating...I am so grateful for those few days spent in Edmonton with him. I've heard a lot of people talk about regrets regarding their relationships with those they have lost. 'If only I had told her...', 'I wish he had known...' I'm happy to say Tyler always knew how important he is to me and how much I love him, so I have no regrets like that. I'm just going to miss the time we could have had in the future...the time that will never be. My heart aches over that.

For now, I think I will keep this blog going. I can share pictures of Ty and thoughts about his life and what an incredible person he was. I think it will help me in my grieving process and maybe it will help some of you as well.