The process and all its facets

This is one of many pictures surfacing in the wake of Tyler's passing. His friends are sharing photos of him from 10, 15, even 20 years ago. This is Ty with Goofy, the cat. From what I've heard, there was a cat named Mickey as well. (I'm sensing a Disney theme here. Walt would be flattered.) Apparently Tyler could make Mickey and Goofy sing just by pointing at them. He also taught Goofy how to assist in giving a back rub. (Not depicted here, but there are witnesses. Thanks to Tracy for the photo and to Nicci for the story.) I've seen some of these photos, but most of them are new to me. It's a little bit like opening a present you weren't expecting. There's the gushing of genuine surprise and joy. This is of course followed by overwhelming sadness as I'm reminded of the huge piece of my soul that is now missing. Don't get me wrong; I want to see all these photos and hear all of the stories. Keep them coming, please.

I talked with my mom last night and had lunch with my dad today. Of course we talked about Tyler and the huge void in our lives now that he is gone. Both of them are holding on to me just a little tighter and both have expressed apologies or just general awareness of that fact. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I'm sure I will need to lean on them as well, just a little more than I did before. It seems like a natural part of our grieving process as Tyler's family of origin. My step-parents are in the boat with us too, riding the same stormy seas. We are sharing the same experience. Their experience is from a parent's perspective and mine from a sister's perspective, but it's fundamentally the same. We have moments, every day, when we see something, hear something, or think of something that reminds us of him. Some of those moments make us smile or chuckle, some of them make us cry, some of them make us angry and ask the universe again...why did this happen??? We have moments when we forget for a second that he's really gone, but the reality always comes swinging back at us like a rogue wrecking ball. There's no escaping it.

I've been told I need to start reading about the stages of grief. (Thank you, my love, for looking out for me. You have been by my side through all of this and I am eternally grateful for your presence in my life.) I know that's true, but I'm not even sure I've reached the stage of acceptance regarding the fact that I have this long, painful grieving process ahead of me. It's so hard to face. The moving forward feels like letting go of Tyler to some degree and, in my gut, that feels like a betrayal. Of course I know I NEVER have to let him go completely because he will ALWAYS be a part of me, but it's still hard to forge ahead. I know to continue to honor Tyler, I also have to honor the grief, so...that's what I will do. I want to do it right for my sake, for the sake of those I love, and for Tyler's sake. He would want that for me, for all of us. Some of you have shared your experiences of loss with me and I appreciate that. If any of you have any more words of wisdom to share, I'd love to hear them and pass them on to my folks. We will have to process our grief as a family and as individuals, and it will not be an easy road. Thank you all for your ongoing support.